Progress Report

As most of you know, I've had a very difficult time dealing with my daughter's very real psychological issues.  And some of her confessions have just been startling.  I mean, she broke into Winterly's house for some comic books and action figures? 

Sierra was formally diagnosed with Asperger's syndrome the day before she was released from the hospital.  Asperger's is a milder form of autism characterized by difficulties in social interaction, lack of empathy, and strict adherence to routine. The diagnosis was the final answer of a puzzle that had mystified us for the last several years.  We came to realize that Sierra's odd behavior wasn't merely the result of teenage rebellion.  She started college and her behavior was stranger than ever.  

She's on three different mood regulating elixirs, that she has to take for the rest of her life.  These elixirs are to help her focus and concentrate and also modify her intense rages.  She's in counseling and has to meet with her once a week.

AJ had elixirs that he took too, but he's now down to one medication.  Sierra's issues, however, are much, much worse than his ever were. 

 Sierra and my older daughter, Sage, had a tiff in the hospital room before she was released.  Remember Sage is the one who found Sierra lying on the pavement in front of the movie theater on campus and she's been affected by Sierra's issues more than anybody.  Sage has been trying to get Sierra to accept the help she's been given to cope with her struggles.  

Despite Sage and Sierra's hospital-room quarrel, Sierra has been writing to Sage all about what's been happening on campus.  I'm just now getting to Sage's forwarded emails, and they have been especially intriguing to me.  

Sierra talks about winning the school chess tournament, 

 attempting to resurrect a Sim who died of a lightning strike (!), and 

being the only girl in her physical education classes. In fact, a couple of her male classmates have openly taken exception to her being there.  Say what?  What year is this, seriously? 

So Sierra has embarked on a scorched-earth campaign to prove that she belongs, as only Sierra could and would.

She's spent long hours in the gym.

She's gone jogging at night.

She's also putting in the work in the classroom, too.

A young man who threw with her (at the expense of a swollen left eye) was so impressed with her arm strength, he's asked her to try out for the football team. 

All this has come at a price, though.   She's getting allergy shots almost daily and her resistance is not where it needs to be.  She's getting frequent colds and infections, and Sage and I text her daily reminders to take her medication.

 

She talks about one rage incident so far on campus, when one of her dorm mates was watching something on TV when she wanted to use it.  "I wanted to use the dorm TV to work out, but someone was watching a show on it... so I flew off the handle.  I couldn't control it.  The rage had just built up inside of me and I let out a primal scream."  

 But what happened next let me know that she's at least attempting to use the new coping skills she learned at the hospital.   It made me feel much better about her chances going forward.  She went back up to her dorm room, took a gulp of elixir, and calmed herself down.  

The old Sierra would not only have flown off the handle, but taken it out on everyone else. 

 Even more encouraging is that she's starting to make friends, or at least socialize with people without trying to kill them.  Granted, Sierra's social skills are not where they should be for a girl of her age, but that's going to come with time.  (They could only improve, they're practically nonexistent.) It seems like she's around people who are helping that development, not hurting it. And even if they don't come to an age-appropriate level, at least she seems to be making an effort now.  

She's never going to be a social butterfly, because that's not who she is.

She's like me in that she's not the most social of Sims, she'd rather keep to herself.   Still, though, the signs I'm seeing are promising.  She still spaces out from time to time, but I learned in counseling that it's her way of dealing with stimulation and she needs that time to decompress.  

 

She still likes to sleep outside from time to time, too.   That's my husband's genes in her, I think.  He's the outdoorsy type.  All of my kids have gotten the outdoors gene from him.  It's just that doing so in public, in front of public places, just seems a bit odd.  So I've told her, if she still has the urge to sleep outdoors occasionally, she could do so in the woods or areas that are not so public, and it would be okay.  

I'm a perfectionist.  I want everything to be 'just right.' 

For my daughter to have these kinds of issues ate at every fiber of my being. It was like, my daughter is not supposed to have issues.  She's supposed to be perfect. The whole time I was wondering, what did I do to make Sierra like this?  And what could I do to fix her? 

It's taken me awhile to realize, well, she doesn't need fixing.  She's perfect the way she is, even with all of her quirks.  It was my approach to her that needed fixing. 

There are some things about my daughter that are just not going to change, because they're hard-wired in her as part of who she is.  

After all, as I've said many times here, we're more alike than we are different.  She's been through so much, I forget that she's still so very young, still a baby, practically.  She hasn't lived yet, really -- even though she claims to have been abducted by aliens, had a crisis that put her in the hospital, and has basically done enough stuff to make your head spin.  Her life is just beginning now, as are the lives of AJ and Sage and Skylar.  But through all this, even with all this, I think she's going to be okay.

Brain Pickings

While on my way out of campus, I decided to check the university library for some information.  No sooner had that occurred than I was accosted by Dr. Wade Anthony.  He was the dean of the technology department and a computer science, mathematics, and physics professor on campus.  "Dr. Cheesman, what a surprise, you're back," he began in a hurried voice.  "I thought you were gone for good."
It took me awhile to be accustomed to being referred to as Dr. Cheesman.  "Oh, no," I told him, "I only came to bring my daughter back to campus."
"I remember, you said, she had some issues."
I sighed.  "Yeah, she still does.  But I'm hoping that this semester for her will go much better than the last one did."
"I trust that your pregnancy is also going well."
"Got some issues, age-related I think, but hopefully the rest of the pregnancy will be smooth sailing."
 Dr. Anthony decided to change the subject.  "I had your son in my department and a couple of my classes, Andrew, was it?"
"Andrew, Jr., AJ for short."
Dr. Anthony nodded.  "Oh yes, yes, I remember the young man well.  I could tell he's bright, but didn't seem at all motivated.  He did manage to graduate with a B average, because he's smart.  How's he doing, anyway?"
I nodded and told him that he's actually doing pretty well.  And he is, aside from his issues with Samantha.  He's at level 5 in the military and making pretty decent money.  I just wish he'd make up his mind regarding her, but that's another story for another time.

"Dr. Cheesman, I'm a huge fan of your work, I think you're a brilliant woman, I've read every single book you've written and most of the articles you've done for the scholarly publications, but there's this one question that's been bugging me."
"Listen, I'd love to stay and chat, but I must really be getting back home."
"Give me your number and I'll call you at my earliest convenience."

While he asked for my number, he also asked to autograph two of my books that he had with me.  The books had notes scribbled messily in the margins. 

Uncomfortable Truths

Oh, I forgot to mention...
That morning, during breakfast, my daughter revealed some things to me that were, well, to put it mildly, unsettling.
"Mom," she began while eating her Haagen-Dazs, "when I broke into Peter Winterly's house, I didn't take any money or anything like that.  It was for his rare comic books and action figures."

"Winterly had this collection of comic books and action figures, most of them belonged to his son Charlie who died.  Some of them were pretty rare and hard to find pieces... so I planned it carefully.  On the morning I went, he was supposed to be at City Hall meeting with the council and the Crown Prince - I had checked his schedule online."

"So I approached his front door...."

"And Winterly himself was there!  I was like, you're supposed to be at City Hall!  He was very upset with me and he called the police.  I didn't get to explain to him that I wanted to see those action figures again."

 

"The police brought me home that day and he was like, 'Ah, Sierra, good to see you again.  So, you tried to get at Winterly's comic book collection, eh?  He guards those with his life.'"

"So I've noticed."

"You lit into me that night but I didn't even get a chance to explain why I did it."

I let out a deep sigh.  "Sierra - you do know that was wrong, right?"
She didn't say anything, just kept eating.
"Sierra, what did I tell you about taking things that are not yours?  That stuff did not belong to you.  It belonged to Mr. Winterly.  I'm sure he wants to keep those to remember his son by.  Now, whatever comic book or action figure you're after, your father and I might have purchased them, or we would have told you to try to earn the money yourself to buy them if you wanted them that badly."
"I didn't take the stuff, I got caught before I did."
"It's good you got caught, Sierra.  I'd have hoped that you'd have learned your lesson at that point. Stealing is not right, under any circumstances.  Your father and I did not raise a thief."

Catch Me If You Can

Right after breakfast, Sierra looked me in the eye and said, "Mom, wanna go outside and play catch?"  Never mind that we hadn't done that since she was little.  Never mind that I was about to take my leave of her and return to be with the other kids.  None of that mattered... I couldn't say no to that.  It was one more sign that I might be getting my little girl back. 

So there I was, standing outside with a football in my hand because my daughter wanted some extra mommy time.

 

We must have gone back and forth for a good hour.  Every one of Sierra's spirals were perfectly thrown...

 

Except for one missile she unleashed...

that beaned me in my stomach! 

She actually apologized for the errant toss and we kept on throwing.

Rainbow through the Clouds (cont'd)

The morning we arrived on campus was really weird weather-wise.  The temperature was in the upper thirties, and light sleet fell from the sky.  On top of that, a rainbow managed to pierce through the dark clouds.

Sierra and I hadn't said much to each other since that big fight we had at the hospital.  And we didn't speak much on our way to the university, either.  So when I attempted to speak to her, again, for the umpteenth time...

...this time she actually acknowledged me with a smile.

Was the ice finally beginning to break?

I'm still in awe at the similarities between us.  And not just the blond hair and facial features, either.  Temperamentally she is the most like me, I think, of all of the children.

I get her because she is me. 

We like the same things.
 
She is fascinated with all things paranormal.  When I used to be a ghost hunter, she used to love hearing my stories of spooky conquests, and when we were living up in Moonlight Falls she soaked up the environment there like a sponge, hanging out at the supernatural store Aleister's and asking all the supers who worked there all kinds of questions. 

I know she studied alchemy (think she still does), and when she was a very young teen she sought the services of a psychic.  She'd rather bury her nose in a book than talk to someone.  She plays chess for fun. 

Where she is like her dad, though, is in her athletic ability and interest in and love of sports.  She LOVES sports.  Always has. 

Ever since she was little, she's hated dresses and only occasionally worn makeup.  Even when she was in her 'goth' phase, which she appears to be out of.

She is me, only younger -- and even more extreme.

That day, while we waited for the university meet and greet to start, the two of us sat in companionable silence, each with her own books we were reading.  

At the meet and greet, a perky redhead was giving a presentation on Watcher knows what.

She seemed to make eye contact with my daughter, who was watching her intently.

Sierra and two other students were at the presentation.

Next, in the sciences department, another student was giving a presentation.

Again Sierra looked intently - or was she eyeing the machines this time?
She's accused of hacking into Fort Starch's computer system and she still hasn't cleared up THAT accusation yet.

She stood next to another student as she took notes.

I can't tell you how nervous I was the next morning, when Sierra woke up.  Because that's when I would take my leave of her and return home to be with the other kids. 
But before I left, though, I gave her a checklist:  "Sierra, do you have your mood enhancing elixir?" I asked her while she ate her Haagen-Dazs yogurt.

"Sierra, did you take your allergy shots?"
"Sierra, did you get your textbooks?"
"Sierra, did you -- " It was a litany of questions I went through, going through each of her affirmative answers with a checkmark.

 

I couldn't help but wonder if she was lying to me.  

I couldn't help but wonder if all of this would eventually crash and burn and she'd end up right back where she was before.

I couldn't even trust the smile she had on her face that morning as I left.  Was she just itching to get rid of me? 

She's my daughter and I love her to pieces... but I don't trust her.